Monday, May 25, 2009

honesty and ugh!

Sometimes I have good days baking a "perfect" loaf of bread and others aren't so good. I know that my yeast was active because it was foaming and frothing but for some reason my dough has not raised as I know it should have and it's taking forever to "raise 1" over the top of loaf pan". What's that about?
I also made "Cracker Barrel" biscuits that did not turn out the way I had hoped. They are way too flat and I used the self-rising dough it called for!

All this time in the kitchen and all I have to show for it is a bunch of stinkin' dishes to do. Ugh! I am totally having one of those days that should have been spent in front of the T.V. or outside instead of in the kitchen.

James isn't home today because he has a job he's doing with his Uncle Dave painting a deck for someone. His mom took the kids today so I could have a day to myself. I know I should be happy for this alone time but it's really just proving to make my loneliness more blatant. I would rather spend the day with James who has the day off but it didn't work out that way. He and Dave were going paint that man's deck on Saturday but it rained on and off all that day so they postponed it til today. Horrible timing in my mind.
I feel this way but then feel guilty because I feel that maybe I'm being selfish and ungrateful. James' mom, Lynn didn't have to take the kids today but she offered so I wasn't going to reject the offer. But, I didn't really want to go hang out at Lynn's house today if the whole point was for me to have some time away from the kiddos. I don't know. I just miss my friends in Kansas, my mom and sister, Liv and her kids; my sweet nieces and nephew. It's hard to make new friends, especially when you're happy with the ones you already have and it's doubly hard when you are a one vehicle family.
I am also sad because my best friend, Princess and my sis, Liv, and their kids are getting together today for a picnic and outdoor play. This makes me miss home all the more since we always do this together whenever Princess visits her family in Salina. I am so happy that they are all able to get together and I wouldn't wish for it any other way. I just hate that I'm not there with my friends and all those kids. We always have so much fun together even if it is a little hectic with 9 kids running around. There would be 10 kids total today, but Chloe doesn't run around yet.
I really am trying to savor this time that I have with our children because this time and age won't last forever and one of these days I will look back and wonder where the time went and wish for it back. I know this because I have already done that. Wishing for the newborn stage back. Also, because I've been told this so many times from countless people. Even complete strangers have shared this truth with me. My mom has told me how lonely this time is too. But, that doesn't seem to make it any better (Sorry, Mom.). It just makes me want to be closer to the ones I love who are far away from us.
I know that James is doing what he needs to for our family and I am thankful for that. I know that if he had a choice he would be home far more often and sooner in the day than he is but with the new company starting and all that goes along with it it's not manageable. Still, I struggle with how often he's gone and how often I still feel like a single mom.
I also know that I'm not the only one who feels this way but it's so easy to feel like I am the only one. I know I'm wallowing in self-misery. Sorry, what a depressing post. I'm ok! Really I am. I'm just being honest and hope you can understand that I'm not trying to complain. I'm just sharing.

Ok, I'm being way too "woe is me" so I think I'll end this post and get on with my bread. It's finally tall enough and ready to be baked.

P.S. My bread is really starting to smell good!
P.P.S. Well, I think it's safe to say that my loaf of bread turned out just fine! It even raised a little more while it was baking. Maybe I was being a bit dramatic.


Laurie Lynn said...

My love,
Remember I don't tell you that to make you feel better! It's not meant to make you feel better as much as help you know that at least it's normal and almost universal that we feel that way at times. (Sometimes the feeling drags on.)
I hate the "out of sorts" "nothing feels quite right" "loose ended" "disappointment" feeling. I'm glad you shared. I love you and miss you. I'm frustrated at the distance!
Your bread looks great! Yummy!
Did the biscuits taste good even though they were a bit flat?

TAB said...

Yes they did taste good but I think they would've tasted better if they had been fluffy.

Olivia Arlene said...

Tab we missed you tons and talked about you lots! There is just something missing without your presence among us. Salma asked me why you moved away and said that you don't want to see her anymore. I tried to set her straight, but kids just don't always understand.

Well, we had Kirri for a while too, so it would've been 11 running/crawling around!!!

That bread looks good:) I think the humidity probably has a lot to do with the baking there. Just going to take some practice and patience.

Just Passing Through said...

My heart is with you. As I read what you said, I "refelt" it again. When my kiddo's were little, Dick traveled a lot with his job. I often had those same "out of sorts/where' my husband/I hate feeling alone/.........." feelings.
I wish I could just pop over for a slice of your bread and a chat.

tsbjf said...

Yum, that bread looks good! The aroma of bread is always a salve. I can relate to your feelings, it is hard being so far away!

TAB said...

Thanks everyone for your comments and feedback. It helps!