Tuesday, December 29, 2009

guilt and melancholy

With all the holiday hype I'm feeling overwhelmed; guilty that I don't have any pictures of Naomi printed from when she was a newborn babe. I have absolutely nothing of her printed of when she was in the hospital and after. Ok, maybe I do but nothing compared to what we have of Henry and Marcail! With the age of digital technology all her photos are on discs or on the computer.... Back to the holiday hype. Because of Christmas and the New Year just around the corner Walgreen's and CVS and all those other photo places are offering lots of cool deals for printing pictures and calendars and all that stuff....but you know what? I cannot get it together! I can't seem to make myself collect all the cds and get them organized to download onto the website and select which photos of baby Naomi I want to get printed!!!!! I am so sad because I feel like her babyhood passed by so quickly and I was so busy back then and my life was so chaotic and stressful and emotional that when I look at her baby photos on the computer I think, "Where did the time go? Who is that little baby? She doesn't even look familiar to me." Naomi was such a happy, pleasant baby. She wasn't very demanding of my attention which was so great because I was so busy with the twins. She was content to lie on the floor with some toys or roll around on the floor. She didn't really get into too much trouble. She spent lots of time roaming around my mom and dad's house (mine and the kid's home at the time too) in her walker. Not that she wasn't cared for and given lots of love and attention. We were living with my parents and youngest sister at the time. I assure you, she had plenty of attention. I just think back and realize she didn't get a lot from me. She was a joy and yet I hardly remember it!

I just want to print each and everyone of her precious photos and put them in a photo album and I think, "that can't be too hard." Then I really think about it and the dollar signs start dancing before me and I get overwhelmed. 100 pictures or so and a few photo albums add up! I don't pay attention to photo album sales! So, I get frustrated that I haven't been more organized in the photo department and organizing of the photos department. It gets huge in my mind and so all the discs sit on my desk and I just stare at them.

I never, ever do New Year's Resolutions but I have resolved to, if I don't get around since I probably won't get around to printing 1000 pictures of my babies, I will spend more one-on-one time with the little loves and kiss those sweet cheeks and hold them more. They're going to be too heavy and long to hold soon! And then I'll really want to! I've already started and it's not 2010 yet. I don't need an excuse to do those things. The kids love the extra loves and cuddles. And their response to my attention is so precious. The hugs and kisses and cuddles are so much more important than a few pictures to hold and look at and the kids will feel way more loved by my affection than by seeing a few of their pictures in print!

Well, thank you for tuning into Tabitha's rantings. I'm better now!


Olivia Arlene said...

That's the best New Year's resolution! Hang in there:)

Laurel said...

I know your thoughts are about more than just pictures, and I love your determination to treasure your time with your blessings. As far as pictures go, maybe I can be some comfort.
Since we got a digital camera, we have printed very few pictures. I print ones occasionally to frame, and once I printed enough to fill the baby photo book (with flexible plastic pages) we have. That's it. No scrapbooks, no filled albums. This is from a combination of factors, mainly $$ and time.
I have a wealth of memories in pictures on my computer that I can print someday when I have money and time to do something with them! My younger children have many more pictures taken of them than the older ones did when they were the same age, because money is not an issue when your using a digital. I have dreams of finally getting to scrapbook someday when the nest starts to empty... we'll see, lol. But I have a treasure trove that is organized and waiting for my "someday" to come, and the Blessings will be able to easily copy their childhood pictures from me.
One thing I need to catch up on is backing up my pics. I like to burn them to disc periodically and give them to our folks. I figure that way, if we ever have a fire, etc, I'll still have the pictures. But I'm running behind and need to get that done soon.
Sorry to be so long winded. Just want you to know you're not the only one with no photo albums of the youngest! And I too am trying to remember to treasure, cuddle, and kiss more. :-)

Laurie said...

LCA!/Long Comment Alert!
Dear Tab,
Sweet Nay Nay baby! Yes, the time flew quickly! Remember her fat, fat kissable cheeks! (Of course you do!) Her cheeks are sill very kissable and she's still a cuddly sweet babe! Oh! What bright, shiny darling eyes! Let me just say that one of the most important reasons for breast feeding is that it requires you to sit and be still for awhile... and with each baby it becomes even more precious and needed! So, I'm glad you did that. It is something reserved for Mommy and baby. The best!
It was a huge stressful time in your life. I don't know how to express how thankful I am that you were all so close! (It was perfectly orchestrated concerning timing and many other things...) No, Naomi never once lacked for attention or lovins!
I think most Moms feel just what you expressed as our babues grow, and as our lives become busier and more complicated, the feelings are heightened. I DO hope I've expressed to you how proud I am of the way you held together and did what needed to be done during some emotional times. Oh Tab! The Lord took you through some valleys and He never left you or forsook you! He never will! I hope you (I trust you did) learned to trust more, lean harder, drink deeper. I know you've learned to look at a bigger picture and have gained new strength and appreciation.
Blessings, my darlin daughter, as you live "Coram Deo" (before the face of God") and as you learn to seize the day for His glory and your blessing and benefit!
Now- Sorry, I'm not a good photo organizer either. (makes me crazy!) But- I DO know that photos can wait, but babies don't wait! The lovin (hugs, kisses and cuddles) are important NOW!!!
I don't mind your ranting if you don't mind mine! (And I'm hoping you caught some raving also!)
~Love, sweet love~ Mom

PS You remember my photo organizing method? Oh well, they're in boxes! I hope that our family spent fun times together when I "should" have been sorting photos!

Laurie said...

Tab- Something my friend, Zoanna said on her blog I think you'd appreciate:

"The older I get, the more I realize that photos just don't capture the essence of my memories. I remember snippets of laughter and conversation and feelings better than actual events. And the best of my memories have not been photographed at all. They were the ones when I was enjoying the moment rather than trying to capture them on film."


TAB said...

Yes Mom! You have done so much to let me know how proud you are. Thanks for the reminders and also for sharing those words from Zoanna. Those are good reminders!

Laurel, you're so right! Of course they can copy pics as they want or need. I have almost every pic "memorized" in my head as to which disc I have them on from the year, holiday, month, etc. I took them. Not perfectly, but a pretty good idea at least. Good perspective on how u can take tons of digital pictures w/o having to develop film like back in the day. ;-) And, instead of sitting together on the couch to look at photo albums, we can gather around the computer and watch slideshows of pics that have been put on many, many discs. Almost like watching a home video. Thanks for your encouragement!

4monkeys said...

I feel the same way, although you know your so far ahead of me on all of the picture taking....Im sure it will be there some rainy day, or maybe we will do together someday!