Monday, February 7, 2011


One of the main reasons it was important for me to be home for Christmas this year was to see my Grandma.
Grandma was diagnosed with Lung Cancer over the summer and has been battling it since. She is a spit-fire of a woman and has fought it hard.
About 2 weeks or so after we got back home Grandma was rushed to the hospital. She'd had a stroke and couldn't talk. Upon further testing it was found that the cancer had spread and she had bleeding in her brain.
This cancer has won and now Grandma is home under hospice care.
My family is taking care of her and keeping her as comfortable as possible as she dies. This all sounds so blunt. I hate that it is so blunt. How else do I word it, though? Dying is dying and it's not pretty and it's not easy.
I didn't fully comprehend that over Christmas, it would be the last time I would see my Grandma. I kept saying to myself that this was probably her last Christmas but I didn't really believe it. My mom keeps reminding me that even though I didn't know it, Grandma said her good-byes to me while I was there.

I am the one who didn't say good-bye as well as I should have and I struggle with that daily as I think of my sweet, frail, weak Grandma lying on her bed in her room being taken care of by my mom, my Grandad(the love of her life), my uncles, her sister and my dad and my sister and I am wishing I could be there too. But, my mom helped me decide that it would be better to wait til she passes to say good-bye. To be able to mourn with my family together.
I love my Grandma. I have multitudes of memories with her. She has always, always been a big part in my life. I couldn't have asked for a better Grandma. I will miss her terribly. It will be hard and I mean hard to go back to Kansas and she won't be there to hug and to laugh with.
I will be going to say good-bye.

These are the last pictures I have of my Grandma. This is the day we left to come back home after our Christmas vacation.
My Grandma, me and my mom. They are not the best photos. Our smiles aren't perfect, they are a bit blurry but I will forever treasure these photos.

After we took these photos at my mom and dad's house, Grandma and Grandad soon left to go back home. Before they left, Grandma hugged me and cried. She sobbed quietly as she said good-bye. I wish I had allowed myself to cry with her but I didn't. I held her tight and I will remember that moment forever.
I do have joy though because I know that I will see her in Paradise and I praise God for that!
I love you, Grandma.


Shannon said...

My mom told me what's been going on, and I've been praying for your whole family. I'm so glad that you will be able to see her again someday! I told my mom when we talked that I am so glad that you and the kids had the opportunity to go home for Christmas so that you could make those memories with your grandma.

Olivia Arlene said...

Here come the waterworks again. Oh Tab I am so glad you were here too! I LOVE those pictures. It doesn't matter if they are "perfect" or not.

I hate that I don't have a "perfect" picture of Grandma with Lily, but I too will treasure what I do have.

Praise the Lord that even in dying there is rejoicing!

A.M.P. said...

What a treasure...thank you for sharing. Love you and your fam so much & praying for all.

tsbjf said...

I am so sorry to hear this. She looked so well and strong and fit for her age from the outside! I am glad that you got to see her one last time. This reminds me of Christmas '09 for me, that was the last time seeing my Grandma before she passed a little over a month later due to stroke. Praying for you and your family.

Mama said...

Tab, my love, I miss you being near now. You are a treasure and a blessed daughter. You must know how I miss you just now. (Our phone talks have meant more than I have words for.) When Grandma heard your voice when I held the phone to her ear several days ago, tears came to her lovely eyes. She tried to say something, but since she cannot speak, she closed her eyes and just listened with a quivering lip and as many tears as her frailness could give.
She knows and feels the love, baby girl. Just you mind that. I love you.

Thanks for posting this. I look stressed and tense in these pics... ("Oh for grace to trust Him more,") I've been thinking, striving and sweating in this valley and being reminded and comforted that there is no quench for true spiritual thirst but the Living Water. May we learn to trust Him fully and in all aspects. John 4:7-14

Just Passing Through said...

Tab, I am rejoicing in the miracle of her salvation, yet crying with you at your great momentary loss. Love ya, Lady!

Grams said...

just wanted to thank you for sharing these wonderful thoughts and and your sister are so talented !! I love your blog....keep up the great job. We will all miss your Grandma and so thankful to have her as my Aunt !! Darlene

The Most Awesome Mom said...

Hi there! Dropping in from:

The Most Awesome Mom

I lost my grandmother to lung cancer last December. My sympathies.